River Park striker Scott McKissack has this season been a sensation. Smashing 53 goals in all competitions (including friendlies) and forging a strong partnership with fellow stiker Dave Harding, McKissack is clearly loving life at the Griffins. The reclusive star in the making has today finally sat down for his first interview since becoming a River Park player
Thank you for aggreeing to this interview. You’re a hard person to get a hold of.
No worries and yeah mate, I’m pretty hard to get a hold of. You know, no-one can keep up with me, on the field or off the field at the nightclubs.
Um……ok then. So……um……why River Park?
Well ya see, River Park were the first club to show some interest in me and I actually had a call from Billy Laidlaw about all the shit he got up to while Jon Peterson was in charge. He spoke about how he partied hard and got drunk after every second game and while the party lifestyle appealed, I also didn’t want to go anywhere where there’d be too much pressure on me to perform straight away and River Park have been perfect in that regard. All we get is Matt Busby’s famous instruction of “Just Go Out and Play” quoted by the manager and for people that love the art of football, it’s that simple and that’s the way it should be.
You mentioned Billy Laidlaw and how he was an influence on you. Unconfirmed reports suggest that there was a falling out between the 2 of you. What happened?
Simple really. Laidlaw parties like a ****ing pussy. He talks about being all hardcore and shit and about how many women he sleeps with in a week but the reality of the matter is Laidlaw is soft. He drinks ****ing Bacardi Breezers and Vodka Cruisers for **** sake and as for how many women he’s slept with in a week, christ, I bloody outdid him in 24 hours. I had to play wingman just to get him a girl because he was that inadequate in approaching them. His best is 2 in a week and I slept with 3 in 24 hours. There was Kaley Cuoco and horizontal gymnastics with her was fun. Katy Perry was bloody fantastic and those eyes really suck you in while Maria Sharapova, I manged to get her to loosen up and she sounded fantastic. The police were called twice to tell us to keep the noise down but you know, it’s not my fault that she sounded like she was having a orgasm on every thrust. In reality, Laidlaw was ****ing envious and jealous of my party qualities and I stole Cuoco off him which pissed him off something shocking.
So you’re eligible for all those girls out there?
Most definitely. I’m looking for a girl to settle down with and hopefully I’ll find one in time.
Dave Harding? You and Dave have developed quite the striking partnership. What happened to get you both close?
After the falling out, I was angry and mad at Laidlaw because of his jealousy but Dave then came in and said “perhaps it’s time to focus on football” and ever since then, we’ve been inseperable. We work on the training field together! We go out and socialise together! Him and his wife have welcomed me into their lives and I go around to dinner there quite a lot because let’s face it, I don’t have my own house and I certainly don’t have a wife.
So where have you been living?
At the nightclubs. I know every person in charge of the nightclubs around the River Park area and as such can manage to get myself a private room for me and my squeeze of the night to sleep in when we’re both utterly exhausted. The owners also provide food for me too in order to help me be at my best for the day’s training session or match. That said, while I do eat healthy, I do tend to eat a lot of junk. In return, I advertise the club on shirts I wear and I bring people to the clubs. Everyone loves me and the owners love me too.
What’s it like in the River Park Dressing Room?
It’s fantastic. Each and every player brings something new to the dressing room and it’s a room that’s full of harmony considering we’re undefeated in the league and on track for some massive success.
Robert Vandenberg! What’s his approach to managing the team?
It’s simple and basic really. He works hard during the week and on matchday it’s “Just go out and play” and really he’s an easy manager to play for. He trusts us to behave as professionals and he trusts us to enjoy our lives and not get sucked into being robotic or boring. He encourages us to express ourselves at all times and it’s contributed to the great atmosphere at the club.
Who’s the biggest clown in the River Park dressing room?
It’d have to be Collin Wood without a doubt. His imitation of assistant manager Jon Peterson’s “fire and ice” motivational speech is gold. Every training session he says “Fire and Ice! Fire and Ice! Fire in the belly when you want to win the ball! Ice cold decisions when you’re in possession! Now focus and If we can get it together, we’ll win this!” in imitation of Peterson who makes the speech every 3 or so weeks. Peterson has taken to threatening to fine Wood wages but let’s face it, he can’t do shit. I have always wondered though if Peterson attended the “Fire and Ice” wedding engagement on the TV Show Revenge.
Who’s the easiest teammate to rile up?
Has to be Ben Sandy without a doubt. Every training session we all rock up and ask him “u mad?” and we’ll ask him that 10-15 times a session. At the start, he’ll take it in good grace and say “I ain’t even mad bro” but by the end of the session, his face is red and he starts ranting and screaming about obsession with asking him “u mad?” He wonders why we do it so many times and his ranting answers the question. It’s a pity that he hasn’t realised this yet.
24 wins in a row in the league! Fluke or something more?
It has been the most fantastic season to date and winning 24 games in a row is one of the best achievements of all time. We’ve played brilliantly as a team and we continue to achieve success against the odds. Is it a fluke? No way, because we are a bloody talented side capable of going all the way to the Premier League.
You’ve been called up for the Australian side a number of times but have struggled to make an impression. What are the reasons for such struggles?
Holger has a very good team to choose from but he doesn’t know talent when he sees it. My form for the Griffins should have me earn a regular role for the Socceroos but the fact remains that it doesn’t. It’s baffling but really what I put it down to is lack of opportunity. Holger needs to understand that I’m Aussie for Life and I’m a talent but he so far has no idea. It probably doesn’t help that I threatened him with voodoo as well if he didn’t start giving me more of a go.
With your teammates getting noticed by massive clubs, how do you feel about the lack of acknowledgement of clubs interested in you?
At the end of the day, my first love is the Griffins and really I’m quite envious of players being noticed by the likes of Barcelona, Newcastle etc. It’s disappointing that there’s no interest in me but really, I’m happy at River Park and I intend to stay with the club for a while yet.
Thank you for you time and some……..bizarre answers
Any time buddy